One of the most difficult things for me has been to accept myself as I am. I don’t want to acknowledge that I am less giving actually, than my imagined generous self. I don’t want to accept my “piggy nose” because it seems that the only nose proper for my face is the tiny narrow nose as displayed in TV, movies, fashion magazines, cartoons, toys and pretty much every where I look. I’ve always wanted smaller calves, as my He-Man calves have created gawks from strangers in the streets and from my gym, which has been the cause of much embarrassment and shame. Since coming to realize anything about differences in weight among people as a child, I’ve always wanted to be thinner than I am.
But why? Why are noses wider than mine perfectly fine and even lovely on other faces and not on mine? Why are women with similar calves as mine seen in beaches completely unnoticed by me, while I cower hiding my legs with beach towels? Why do ladies with larger frames than me look perfectly fine and I see only a walrus in my own image? At some point, I have to see that for me, my “standard” and expectations for myself is based on pride. This is true on two accounts. First, why my nose, calves, and weight is horribly wrong while it is fine on others is because I hold to two different standards, one for everyone else and the others who are of perfection. Yes, it’s hard to admit it, but I have set myself among the “perfect ones” and though it is hard to say, in all this time, I have not removed myself from the “perfect ones” grouping to the real people group. It’s my pride of wanting and expecting myself to be “better than,” otherwise known as pride. Second, I know that even those in the “perfect ones” don’t look like their own posts, pictures and video, so what’s the hang-up? If the “better than” grouping doesn’t exist, then why do I ascribe to desire such nonsense? It’s not rational, the motivation comes from an emotional response. I want to feel the accolades of beauty, and exuberant attention that individuals get from being closer to the “perfect ones” for only self-glorifying reasons. These subtle attitudes and self-reflection bend towards narcissism, a profoundly excessive condition of pride.
I am an orange, not an apple. Though I would wish to cut parts of myself and change my exterior in form, shape and size, there are things about me that are just fine. I need to embrace what I already know to be true in others and in myself under the same lens. Will I be able to do this right away? I’m not sure about how long it will take, but I am confident that the change will be fully mine as even this activity of clearly stating my weaknesses is a right step towards this change.
In progress,
Julie C.